Grey Zachary

My step-daughter asked for a blender for Christmas and it got my wheels turning…

A blender is useful for nourishment and for fun! It can whip up a nutrient dense smoothie in the morning and a margarita in the evening. Everyone needs a blender.

I asked for a blender once too. Only the blender I hoped for was a little different from the one my daughter wants and I’m so glad I never got my wish! Let me explain…

Once upon a time, 15 years ago, I married a man with two beautiful daughters. They were 11 and 5 and perfect. Their sense of humor was my favorite. They loved music, movies, being outdoors, and I loved playing with their hair. When I fell for their dad, his tiny lovely ladies captured my heart, too.

BUUUT, at times, our new family was no fairy tale. I won’t bore you with the details (or reveal things that should remain private). However, it is safe to admit we struggled to find our groove in those early years.

Those were lonely years for me. I had little to no support for too long. I was totally winging it. Exactly none of my friends or family had parented in a blended family! We were five years into this familial experiment before I stumbled into a counselor’s office and found some books and blogs that helped guide me.

Before I got help I longed for our family to totally relax, laugh, and make memories together. I wanted it to happen in the time it took to throw some berries, banana, and yogurt into a Ninja (best blender ever!!!!).

Only, families just don’t work like that. Whether they are biological or blended, bonding takes time. Actually, bonding takes LOTS of time!

Author of The Smart Step-Family, Ron Deal, says step-families should think of themselves as a crockpot. A slow cooker is more like it. He explains that the crockpot works by two important functions: time and low-heat. I SOOO wish I had understood the need for time when I first stepped into my new role. It would have saved myself and all of us some heart ache.

More than anyone of us, I needed time. Time provided something different for each of us. But for me, the step-mom, time gave me eyes to see the bigger picture. If we had bonded as quickly as I’d hoped I would be writing something very different today. I would have a list of things we did that made it all happen perfectly. I’m glad that is not our story. I’m glad our bonding happened much more mystically and magically over time. As parents in a blended family we could have done a lot of things better. I’ll share those stories with you another day. Today, our blended family bond is a slow-cooking Christmas miracle and I could not be more thankful!

The holidays were always particularly sensitive times for me. If you are a parent in a blended family with any vision for what you would like the holidays to look like, you may be able to relate. There is so much planning and anticipating and decorating and gift wrapping and hoping for everyone to be happy!!!

Blended or not, it is inevitable. At least one person will be unhappy. That Is Normal! For years I thought it was because we were blended when actually it was because we were raising kids…normal, healthy, emotional, caring (and sometimes not caring) kids.

If you are a slow-cooking blended family and are struggling through this season, I have some encouragement for you! Be patient. Be consistent. Give generously. Time is on your side!

If you would like to hear a few more of my thoughts on blended families you can listen to an Army Wife Network podcast I participated in…here. (Interview begins at 26:30). Crystal Neihoff and Betsy Rains were WONDERFUL to talk with and they are fellow step-moms! I heart solidarity!!!

If you are a seasoned step-parent or a parent in a blended family I would love to hear from you!!! How did you cope with the stresses of the early years? Did you glean any words of wisdom that helped you maintain perspective of the bigger picture?

Unless you are a victim of sexual abuse, assault, or harassment you may have no idea what to say to a survivor or if you should say anything at all.

 

You may have a friend that just posted “Me too” to their social sites.

 

Or recently a dear friend stirred up the courage to tell you over dinner and you just weren’t sure what to say. You just sipped your drink and didn’t say anything because you doubted yourself or you had doubts of the story or your friend. Or maybe you put that glass down, picked up your finger and pointed. Then you said some things, not good or helpful things.

 

If a friend has not confided in you about her (or his) sexual assault or harassment that does not mean they haven’t suffered. Every 1.5 minutes someone is assaulted. The stats are everywhere. If you aren’t up on this check out rainn.org.

 

Sexual violence may be on the down slope compared to two decades ago, but it is not even close to being eradicated. And our friends need us. Even if we have been victims ourselves, speaking words of life and support can be the very thing we need to get back on our own feet. If it is true for them, it is true for you too.

 

RAINN.org recommends that we say these things to a survivor:

• I believe you./It took a lot of courage to tell me about this.
• It’s not your fault./You didn’t do anything to deserve this.
• You are not alone./I care about you and am here to listen or help in any way I can.
• I’m sorry this happened./This shouldn’t have happened to you.

 

I want to focus for a second on the very last one. “This shouldn’t have happened to you.”

 

One of my favorite forever friends once shared her horrifying story of date rape. I was shocked when part of her story included a woman in her life placing the burden of responsibility on my friend. Let me tell you. While my dear friend is one of the most reserved, cautious and conservative women in America, even if she had decided to wear a bikini on her date that night (she did not) she was not asking for that monster to drug her drink and render her unable to make decisions or even walk before taking her back to his place and doing what predators do.

 

This should NOT have happened to her! Sexual assault and harassment should happen to no one. ever.

 

When your friend shares their story with you…

 

Stick to the list. “I believe you.”

Stick to the list. “It’s not your fault.”

Stick to the list.  “You are not alone.”

Stick to the list. “I’m sorry this happened.”

 

 

Our friends need us!

As some of you know, my dear husband, our two youngest kiddos, and I recently moved into an RV…full-time.

 

Yep, that’s right!

 

We now live in a home with a foundation of big rig tires and a living room fully equipped with a steering wheel.

 

This decision was super-fast and a little impulsive just like almost all our decisions. We think everything is a good idea! We see an adventure and we leap. This is us. My hubby lobbed the idea and in less than a month we were proud (and a little stunned) owners of a motorhome.

 

Sooooo many times after taking this leap I thought, “What have we done?!” So, I threw myself into research. I watched ALL the YouTube channels. I read blog after blog, and I listened to podcasts incessantly. RV life is an entirely different world and I was determined to be prepared!

 

All the preparation was fun, but some was purely entertainment. My sister recommended I watch the Robin Williams movie, RV. I thought I had seen every Williams movie, but somehow this one was never on my radar. So, I added it to the queue for family movie night.

 

My kids LOVED it! My hubby began to have reservations about our new lifestyle. And I gleaned a friendship message!

 

The Munro’s embarked on their very first RV vacation. Along their journey, they repeatedly and regretfully crossed paths with an unusually happy family, The Gornicke’s. After being ditched a few times, The Gornicke’s eventually realized The Munro’s were just not that into them. Jeff Daniel’s character, Travis, the father in the Gornicke family, turns to his wife and says, “We ain’t everybody’s cup of sunshine.”

I love his attitude! He is so very right! We can’t be everyone’s favorite!

 

I was way too old when I finally learned that lesson. I am an idealist. Most of my life I believed I could be everyone’s best friend and I tried so hard! When others did not agree, I was crushed. I questioned myself and wondered why. With age, I’ve learned that Travis Gornicke was right! We may be a perfect ray of sunshine, but others might enjoy a different type of weather…and that is okay!

 

But that is not the greatest lesson gleaned from the movie. The Gornicke’s continued to show kindness and generosity even after they had been rejected. In the end, The Monro’s survived their trip because of The Gornicke’s.

 

The Gornicke’s didn’t let The Monro’s change them. They remained kind, generous, fun-loving, and sunshiny people. They didn’t have to be accepted to be friendly.

 

Rejection doesn’t have to change who we are.

 

Rejection only alters our expectations of the one doing the rejecting. (Even then, we ought to hold on loosely to our perceptions of people.) As the Gornicke’s experienced, sometimes the ones resistant to friendship come around.

 

Other times, we may need to move on. However, I believe we often bail too quickly.  So, how do we hang in there when we aren’t appreciated? How do we keep showing up with our generosity and kindness when we’ve been ditched, ignored, shamed, and labeled?

 

Here are three quick thoughts on that!

 

• Dig Deep and Remember… We may not always have been the sunshiny selves we are today. We may have cast the first stone or pointed our finger before. So, be patient with the haters. We’ve been haters too.
• It’s Not About You… You’ve heard it before. It’s worth saying again. Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Sometimes their resistance to you has nothing to do with you. It may have more to do with their own internal war.
• Believe The Best… Maybe you weren’t ditched. Perhaps there is more to the story. Maybe your interpretation of things was negative and you are giving up too soon. Give your friends the benefit of the doubt! We all have a lot going on. We get distracted. We send mixed messages.

 

Now, don’t get me wrong. Sometimes in friendship you have to know when to let go. Just don’t bail too soon. They desperately need your cup of sunshine and do not even know it yet.

 

What about you? I love to hear your stories! Have you ever hung in there when you thought a friendship was going nowhere? What happened? How did it play out? Have you remained friends?

I am so excited to welcome the lovely Amanda Koonlaba to Friendtastic Fridays! She has some reflections on friendship in adulthood that I know we can all relate to. Here are her thoughts:

 

True Adulthood: That psychological point reached when you stop seeing the world through rose-colored glasses and begin seeing it as a place that needs work. 

 

As I’ve come into true adulthood, I’ve started having a different perspective of friendship. When I was a small child, a friend was whoever was around. My parents pretty much chose those friends. My cousins were my friends. My neighbors were my friends. Kids at church were my friends.

 

In my teens, it was whoever was involved in the same activities as me. So, it was pretty much the same as childhood. My parents had a lot more control over that than I realized at the time. They chose to allow me to participate in activities or chose to prohibit my participation in activities. They were the ones paying for things like cheerleading and show choir. The other kids who participated were my friends. We were always around each other.

 

In my twenties, I had to find my own friends. I was friends with people who knew my boyfriend at the time. I was friends with people who took the same classes as me in college. I was friends with the neighbors in the apartment complex where I lived.

 

When I reached my thirties, I reached true adulthood. I am well-aware that others probably reach this point much earlier than I did. It doesn’t really matter when that point is reached, we all get there.

 

I realized how messy everything is. I realized laws are not just laws, history is not just history, religion is not just religion. I realized everything is what it is because human beings are interacting with each other, hurling through time just bumping into the existence of one another like we’re trapped in a giant, mysterious pinball machine.

 

This is why I say true adulthood is realizing the world is a place that needs work. Friendship is not as much about who is around you as it was when you were younger. It becomes something you work at. Your friends are the people you allow to be your friends. You choose them carefully. Some of those true friendships are still the people who you played with when you were a kid. Some are the teenagers you cheered and danced with. Some are the people who took classes with you in college. Some are still your cousins.

 

It is true for me. I have some “ride or dies” from those times in my life that are still my close friends. It is harder now, though. We don’t see each other as often. Sometimes we just text or share a photo on Facebook. Sometimes we get together to sit at the funeral for one of our parents.

 

Life is messy. It can be so hard and so scary. However, I’ve really learned in my true adulthood that even though friendships change over time, those friendships which are chosen and nurtured are the ones that make the hard and scary times manageable. I’ve also realized that it is okay for friendships to change. Fluidity in our friendships is just a natural part of that pinball ride.

 

What matters is the work we do. We work at our friendships, our relationships with human beings. This is what makes the wild pinball ride seem somewhat controlled and doable. So, even though our world is no longer rose-colored, we do make our world a better place as a result.

 

I wonder how the concept of friendship has changed for others throughout their lifetime. I’d love to hear and chat with you about that. Connect with me and check out my blog, Party in the Art Room.

Amanda Koonlaba, Ed. S., NBCT is the mother of two girls, Willa and Ruby, and a wife to Cherdchai Koonlaba, originally from Thailand. She is an avid education advocate and arts-lover. Amanda is on a mission to ensure every student in America has access to a high-quality arts-based education. Her arts education blog is Party in the Art Room.

Amanda makes the great point that as we grow up our friendship perspective changes. Friendship calls for intension. Even our nearest and dearest ones aren’t as accessible as they once were. Here are a few ways to let our friends know we value them:

1. Call/text sweet things for no reason at all. Let your friends know that you are proud of who they are and that you are happy to have them in your life.
2. Take note. When your friend says something new about her, write it down and follow up. It may be as huge as a job interview or as small as changing the preferred laundry detergent. If she mentioned it, it matters! Ask how it’s going. You’ll rack up in major friendship points with follow-up!
3. Listen up. When your bestie is bummed or burdened let her words flow. Be the best possible listener. Say only things like “That sounds hard” “Tell me more” or “How do you feel about that?” Keep your ears open and lips slow. Sometimes our friends don’t need fixing. Sometimes they just need a safe space to say their thoughts out loud.
4. Lighten up. Have you turned on the news lately? This world can be intense! Let’s be the friend that lightens the load, cracks the joke, sends the gif, overuses emojis, and leaves voicemails of only quotes from the our favorite shows. It’s a fun job and somebody’s gets to do it. Let it be us!

I love to hear from you! I know you have great ideas! How do you show your friends you care?

As I shared in my last post, I have saved letters almost all my life. I even stashed away letters from old boyfriends. (Don’t worry. My husband’s ego is seriously unshakeable. He has no worries what-so-ever!) Until I recently went through that old box, I had totally forgotten that I had saved so many lovely letters!

 

I smiled as I read some of the notes from my little sweethearts. Exactly none of the guys are in my life anymore. So, rereading their words was significantly less awkward than it would have been if we had remained friends.

 

In fact, these letters were sooo sweet! The innocence and timidity of their words were simply charming! And almost every letter ended with a question. “Will you go to the movie with me?” “Will you write me back?” And the boldest ones posed the biggest question, “Will you be my girlfriend?” “Yes Or No?”

 

Those were the simple days. Friendships were so much easier then too. Our friends were in our homeroom or rode our bus. We bonded over having the same backpacks or liking the same music. We were solid and consistent because every day looked the same. Every day the bell rang and we sat in the same places, at the same tables.

 

Some people still enjoy their first friends daily. Their class bells sound differently now, but they are in the same towns. They ride the same roads. They sit at the same restaurants and cheer on the same teams.

 

But for the rest of us, friendship is not on autopilot. Friendship takes effort and intention in every way.

 

As an army spouse, I see and experience the friendship shift every two to three years. Nothing stays the same for us. With every move, we wonder if we will keep the bonds we forged or will there be attrition. We face our new homes with hope and apprehension.

 

Sure, we have forever friends, and I would be a mess without my forever friends! But we can’t write our forever friends in as emergency contacts when they are multiple states away. We need local friends. Friendship is as much a need as the air we breathe. It is life giving! There is something vital to having a real live friend to share a meal and a laugh with!

 

New in town, we do all we can to get out there. The extroverts link up quickly. I loosely mingle with all the introverts hoping to stumble into a conversation meaningful enough to make an effort a second time. Then, in many ways, we introverts are more like the brave adolescent boys who wrote those courageous questions at the bottom of their notes and we finally say, “Hey, want to get coffee on Tuesday?”

 

Not every coffee I’ve shared with a newbie turned into a BFF situation, but I have never, not even once, regretted gaining a new friendly acquaintance. Everyone has something special about them!

 

If you find yourself in that new town with new people and you need to find your tribe let me encourage you to go for it! Get out there! Don’t wait for friendship to magically happen. Show up to all the places you want to go and do all the things you would do if you had a bestie by your side. You just might find one there!

 

But you tell me. I want to hear from you! Have you ever been the newbie in town? Have you ever had to start over? I know my army spouse friends know what this is like. How do you find your tribe, your people, your circle?

 

“Don’t leave your friends or your parents’ friends and run home to your family when things get rough; Better a nearby friend than a distant family.”

-Proverbs 27:10 (The Message)