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Grey Zachary

Creating our best world one friendship at a time.

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How an Evangelical Girl Became an Ally

Grey Zachary June 30, 2019

Being that it’s Pride month, I can think of no better time to come out of the blogging closet to share how I became an ally with my LGBTQ friends and family.

 

First, I feel that it is necessary to explain why I had to grow into becoming an ally, and why I was not supportive in the first place. Here is the context.

 

I grew up in Tupelo, MS, headquarters of American Family Association. As a child, my family attended church with the founders of that organization. The current president’s wife was my first-grade teacher at a private Christian school. I was surrounded by only one way of thinking. All hours of the day my family was tuned to American Family Radio. (Except, of course, those hours when my Dad was engrossed in the Rush Limbaugh show on AM radio.)

 

We had regular conversations as a family about what it meant to be Christian. A hyper conservative evangelical worldview was ingrained. Questions were condemned as evil, and I was a good girl. I was obedient. I didn’t ask questions…Until I did.

 

I took my faith seriously at a very young age. When my friends were reading Seventeen magazine, driving the backroads, IMing on AOL, or sneaking off to have sex with their boyfriends or girlfriends, I was practicing Kay Arthur’s inductive bible study methods or teaching myself to play guitar so I could lead others in worship. In High School, I founded a Christian club called “Alethia,” a Greek word meaning Truth. I was a proud member of FCA and was a front row “A” student in bible class, an elective offered by my public high school. I was among the organizers of my school’s very first See You At The Pole events, and I spent my summers either attending Christian camps or working as a camp counselor. I was fully consumed.

 

I am deeply grateful for my childhood, my first family and community. I learned a LOT about Jesus! I still have the highest view of scripture one can have. It is the light unto my path. God speaks to me through each of the books in the Bible. Whatever strength, courage, peace and/or compassion living in me comes from a relationship with God.

 

To the chagrin of my first community, it was the study of scripture and unwavering participation in the local church that led me to become an LGBTQ ally.

 

I studied scripture deeply. I wasn’t the youth group kid that learned a few verses to doodle on their notebooks or sign yearbooks with. I didn’t memorize only the verses that brought me comfort, elevated my self-esteem, or modified my behavior. I dove in for understanding of the whole thing! When my youth group friends were spending their breaks playing four-square, I was meeting with my bible teacher to debate the theories of predestination and free-will.

 

I was intense. My questions grew exponentially. The more I studied the more I discovered the interpretations I was taught as a child were just that, interpretations. They were not objective truth. I realized that there is more than one view of hell, women are equal, children have voices, war may not be God’s idea, the poor must be a priority, and God loved us so much that He showed up on earth in the form of Jesus to change our minds about just about everything the religious people interpreted as “Truth.”

 

Which leads me to my LGBTQ framily. It is the study of scripture that led me to this alliance. I could jump into that here, detailing the verses and interpretations from all sides, but there has been much written on this already. Anyone can dig in as I did. I’m happy to share some resources at the end. Instead, there was a second area of influence that I’d rather share.

 

Christians changed my mind about the LGBTQ community.

 

Let me start again with my adolescent world view. My religious training programmed me to think of Gay folks as promiscuous, predatorial, impulsive, weak, selfish, sick and confused.

 

However, when I became a hairdresser in my early 20’s, I worked with a few gay men, a lesbian, and a few queer folks. I prayed for them. I observed them, and ultimately, I learned from them. I realized quickly that NONE of my co-workers fit the caricature I had been given as a child.

 

The person of greatest influence was a man who had been in a committed, monogamous gay relationship for over 20 years. The second influence was a lesbian who had been in a committed, monogamous relationship for 10 years. They were both model couples full of love and respect for one another in addition to being leaders in our profession. Their character was impeccable. At this same time in my life, my parents were going through a less than peaceful divorce. I realized not everything was as I had been told.

 

Though I had not fully made the switch intellectually or spiritually yet, I held those precious co-workers in my mind as I moved through life.

 

Ten years later, I began attending a new church and chose an all-female small group to join. One month into our Beth Moore study on Esther, three of the women were forcefully confronted about their sexuality and our group split. I was astonished to see that the women who left the group were not ones outed. It was the straight women. The straight women refused to study the bible with anyone who was other than straight. That seemed very unlike Jesus to me!!! Because I had studied the Gospels for two decades, I knew without a doubt that everyone was welcome at Jesus’s table.

 

So, I hosted the next study at my own kitchen table. I invited all, but only the three lesbians and a recovering addict showed. The “good” Christians couldn’t be bothered. For the remainder of 10 weeks, we continued to study a very fitting story about a woman who wisely took on the establishment in effort to protect the oppressed.

 

These women at my table impressed me. They studied deeply and faithfully. Over time I observed the fruits of the spirit in them. They were peaceful, patient, and kind. Their joy was so very infectious!!!

 

I still had questions about the sexuality of these women. Only my questions were more theological. I would slip an inquiry into our study every now and then. They would patiently redirect me to the current study and reassure me that their only agenda was to study scripture and meet with fellow Christians to encourage one another to follow Jesus.

 

Following Jesus was something they were serious about. They served the church and the community. They spent many of their weekends downtown volunteering at a homeless shelter. They loved their families and their neighbors. The two who were waiting for their right to marry to be recognized, loved each other well.

 

This experience sparked a fire in me. I began to read everything I could get my hands on from all perspectives. I began to pray harder than ever for a revelation on this matter. How could these women not belong? They were as great an example of Jesus as any others I had studied or served with. In fact, they were greater than most! They should be leaders!

 

I began talking to more straight Christians about this situation. I opened that can as often as I could. I needed to understand why there were such significant barriers for my LGBTQ friends when scripture is actually quite vague on the matter.

 

Conversation after conversation almost unanimously revealed the same thing. These Christians didn’t know their own scripture! Sure, they could pick out a few verses to support their points, but they were not being intellectually honest. In almost all my exchanges, those who condemned the “homosexual lifestyle” did not hold to other literal interpretations of scripture. Every single person I’ve mulled this over with either loved bacon(Lev. 11:7,8), proudly showed off their tattoos(Lev. 19:28), gossiped…sometimes under the guise of a prayer request(Romans 1:29), drank alcohol(Isaiah 5:11), worked on the Sabbath(Exodus 20:8-11), attended church without their heads covered(1 Cor. 11:2-16), wore braids and gold jewelry(1 Peter 3:3 & 1 Tim. 2:9), were indifferent and even hostile toward the poor(there are more than 2,000 verses on poverty and justice)…I could go on…

 

A pattern was revealed. The LGBTQ community was being singled out by my straight Christian friends and family. This had nothing to do with an unwavering commitment to a literal interpretation of scripture.

 

It had everything to do with something else, something inside of them. Maybe it was hatred. Maybe it was fear. Maybe it was loyalty to a community that raised them. I don’t know, but it had nothing to do with what the Bible says.

 

So, I could no longer stand on the side of history that denied dignity and prosperity to my LGBTQ brothers and sisters. Bullying, assault, murder, and suicide are very real and common issues facing queer individuals. After a greater understanding of the devastation reparative therapy brings and the limited rights of partners in a civil union, I had to change if I were truly going to show love to my truly loveable friends.

 

Now, I am a flag waiving ally, I am unashamed to walk as I believe Jesus would. I welcome all to my table and into my home. I will dance and sing at their weddings, buy baby clothes for their new little ones, and try to be the best friend imaginable!

 

They are not ones to pray for. They are ones to pray with. They are our equals. They are our leaders. They are loved by God, and they are loved by me.

 

My husband and US Army Chaplain, prayed this opening prayer for a recent Pride celebration held on his current military post and it is my whole heart on this matter:

 

Almighty God, As we begin our celebration of diversity we pause and acknowledge your presence among us. I thank you, Lord, that each person here is uniquely and wonderfully made in your image. As we hear testimony of courageous service from our fellow soldiers and airmen, may we each leave this place with a better understanding of the struggles, persecution and personal challenges that our ignorance creates for others. I ask that you, Oh Lord, embolden each of us here to stand with increasing resolve that no one shall face prejudice or unfair treatment under our watch. Bless all who work hard to enlighten us to the dignity, worth, and beauty of every person. And Lord, we thank you most of all this afternoon for each of the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender persons who have answered the call to serve our country. It is by your grace and love we honor and celebrate each of them this afternoon.

And all of Gods people say, Amen.

 

Amen!

 

(If you would like to make comments or discuss, you are welcome to, respectfully, send me a private message. I will delete any hateful comments.)

 

Here is a short list of resources:

 

The Bible

20 Hot Potatoes Christians Are Afraid To Touch by Tony Campolo

Love Is An Orientation by Andrew Marin

Torn by Justin Lee

God and the Gay Christian by Matthew Vines

www.trevorproject.org

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All I Wanted For Christmas Was A Blender

Grey Zachary December 22, 2017

My step-daughter asked for a blender for Christmas and it got my wheels turning…

A blender is useful for nourishment and for fun! It can whip up a nutrient dense smoothie in the morning and a margarita in the evening. Everyone needs a blender.

I asked for a blender once too. Only the blender I hoped for was a little different from the one my daughter wants and I’m so glad I never got my wish! Let me explain…

Once upon a time, 15 years ago, I married a man with two beautiful daughters. They were 11 and 5 and perfect. Their sense of humor was my favorite. They loved music, movies, being outdoors, and I loved playing with their hair. When I fell for their dad, his tiny lovely ladies captured my heart, too.

BUUUT, at times, our new family was no fairy tale. I won’t bore you with the details (or reveal things that should remain private). However, it is safe to admit we struggled to find our groove in those early years.

Those were lonely years for me. I had little to no support for too long. I was totally winging it. Exactly none of my friends or family had parented in a blended family! We were five years into this familial experiment before I stumbled into a counselor’s office and found some books and blogs that helped guide me.

Before I got help I longed for our family to totally relax, laugh, and make memories together. I wanted it to happen in the time it took to throw some berries, banana, and yogurt into a Ninja (best blender ever!!!!).

Only, families just don’t work like that. Whether they are biological or blended, bonding takes time. Actually, bonding takes LOTS of time!

Author of The Smart Step-Family, Ron Deal, says step-families should think of themselves as a crockpot. A slow cooker is more like it. He explains that the crockpot works by two important functions: time and low-heat. I SOOO wish I had understood the need for time when I first stepped into my new role. It would have saved myself and all of us some heart ache.

More than anyone of us, I needed time. Time provided something different for each of us. But for me, the step-mom, time gave me eyes to see the bigger picture. If we had bonded as quickly as I’d hoped I would be writing something very different today. I would have a list of things we did that made it all happen perfectly. I’m glad that is not our story. I’m glad our bonding happened much more mystically and magically over time. As parents in a blended family we could have done a lot of things better. I’ll share those stories with you another day. Today, our blended family bond is a slow-cooking Christmas miracle and I could not be more thankful!

The holidays were always particularly sensitive times for me. If you are a parent in a blended family with any vision for what you would like the holidays to look like, you may be able to relate. There is so much planning and anticipating and decorating and gift wrapping and hoping for everyone to be happy!!!

Blended or not, it is inevitable. At least one person will be unhappy. That Is Normal! For years I thought it was because we were blended when actually it was because we were raising kids…normal, healthy, emotional, caring (and sometimes not caring) kids.

If you are a slow-cooking blended family and are struggling through this season, I have some encouragement for you! Be patient. Be consistent. Give generously. Time is on your side!

If you would like to hear a few more of my thoughts on blended families you can listen to an Army Wife Network podcast I participated in…here. (Interview begins at 26:30). Crystal Neihoff and Betsy Rains were WONDERFUL to talk with and they are fellow step-moms! I heart solidarity!!!

If you are a seasoned step-parent or a parent in a blended family I would love to hear from you!!! How did you cope with the stresses of the early years? Did you glean any words of wisdom that helped you maintain perspective of the bigger picture?

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O Holy Nooo…

Grey Zachary December 8, 2017

It’s the holidays. Fa-La-La-La-La, La-La-La-La

Thanksgiving Day is now two weeks past and it was just perfect with all your beautiful people near and dear. That grateful day stirred your heart with love and belonging. It reminded you why you love the holidays so very much.

If that was your experience…stop reading now. Exactly none of the words in this post today are for you. I love you! Enjoy your hugs and happiness! But we’ll talk again in the new year.

For the rest of you…

Maybe your experience was more like this…

Before the day even began the family was all up in a tizzy. Bickering was all around. “SHE is making the dressing?!” “We need to change the time so I can see the game!” “He’s bringing who?” “Why wasn’t _____ invited?!” The exchanges were laden with negativity and primed with passive-aggression. All you could think was, why did I choose this over a vacation?! This happens every year!  I could be by a pool or with my feet in the sand right now. U-G-H!

In the time spent preparing, hosting or serving, and cleaning up, you may have wondered when the adults in your life will act like…ADULTS?!

Sadly, the answer is, “Maybe, never.”

That’s right. They may never change their ways or even see that they need to. Their relationship patterns are ingrained. Their brain pathways have been trailed. Short of a spiritual awakening, therapy, and/or maybe even a little medication these dear ones will always be raising all the hells on the holidays (and in between).

So what is the solution??? How do we stay sane???

As Glennon Doyle shared recently,

“Tis the season to set boundaries. Fa-La-La-La-La, La-La-La-La”

I died laughing when I read that!! Then I realized some people may have never heard of boundaries much less know how to set them.

Simply put, boundaries are lines marking the limits of an area. When referring to boundaries in social or familial relationships we are talking about defining what practically and emotionally belongs to us and what belongs to someone else.

Let’s consider this for a second, if you have a fenced yard and your neighbor takes down part of your fence simply because they want to expand their yard they would literally be crossing your boundary. Also, without even touching your fence they can invade your space. Have you ever had the neighbor that mows their yard at 6:30 am?

Relationally, we can set boundaries as well. We can tell people how we would like to be treated and how we would like to spend our time. Not everyone will agree with your boundaries, but they are YOURS! You don’t need anyone’s permission to decide what you like and what you do not like.

There is goodness and peace and joy and hope when we know what belongs where…even when we talk about feelings.

So…

Here are a few ideas for more peace through the holidays:

  • Don’t Go…Yep, I just gave you permission to opt out of your next family or friend gathering. Plan a trip to Disney. Go on a hike you’ve been dreaming of but never found the time for. Call your BFF who suffers all the same familial funk and make a whole new plan. You can do it! This is your holiday. Enjoy it doing whatever gives rise to gratitude and peace in your heart.
  • Say No…Go ahead. Try it. It sounds like go but it starts with “N.” The word “No” shares a second letter with the word Holy. Sometimes I call it a “Holy No.” IF your peace is robbed by whatever you are being tasked to do for your family’s impending disaster then reply with a hardy and holy No. There is nothing righteous or good about a yes that causes stress.
  • Let Go…It is possible to show up, to be in a storm and be at peace. It’s not easy, but it is possible. It takes some skills. Begin with a slow deep breath. No, really, breathe! Then think these words, “This is not about me. This is a reflection of whatever is going on inside of them. I cannot control any of this. I can only control myself and I choose to be at peace.” This is not a perfect formula, but it will help. Trust me.

Setting boundaries practically and emotionally takes practice and if you are doing this for the first time you can expect your family/friends to have a variety of reactions. Be patient with them. They’ve probably never heard your true voice before. It will take some time for them to adjust. Still, stay the course. Speak truth to others and to yourself kindly and gently. You are worth it!

May you have the happiest of happy holidays this year! And may your days be merry and bright!

Love,

Grey

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Shouldn’t Have Happened To You. Period.

Grey Zachary October 16, 2017

Unless you are a victim of sexual abuse, assault, or harassment you may have no idea what to say to a survivor or if you should say anything at all.

 

You may have a friend that just posted “Me too” to their social sites.

 

Or recently a dear friend stirred up the courage to tell you over dinner and you just weren’t sure what to say. You just sipped your drink and didn’t say anything because you doubted yourself or you had doubts of the story or your friend. Or maybe you put that glass down, picked up your finger and pointed. Then you said some things, not good or helpful things.

 

If a friend has not confided in you about her (or his) sexual assault or harassment that does not mean they haven’t suffered. Every 1.5 minutes someone is assaulted. The stats are everywhere. If you aren’t up on this check out rainn.org.

 

Sexual violence may be on the down slope compared to two decades ago, but it is not even close to being eradicated. And our friends need us. Even if we have been victims ourselves, speaking words of life and support can be the very thing we need to get back on our own feet. If it is true for them, it is true for you too.

 

RAINN.org recommends that we say these things to a survivor:

  • I believe you./It took a lot of courage to tell me about this.
  • It’s not your fault./You didn’t do anything to deserve this.
  • You are not alone./I care about you and am here to listen or help in any way I can.
  • I’m sorry this happened./This shouldn’t have happened to you.

 

I want to focus for a second on the very last one. “This shouldn’t have happened to you.”

 

One of my favorite forever friends once shared her horrifying story of date rape. I was shocked when part of her story included a woman in her life placing the burden of responsibility on my friend. Let me tell you. While my dear friend is one of the most reserved, cautious and conservative women in America, even if she had decided to wear a bikini on her date that night (she did not) she was not asking for that monster to drug her drink and render her unable to make decisions or even walk before taking her back to his place and doing what predators do.

 

This should NOT have happened to her! Sexual assault and harassment should happen to no one. ever.

 

When your friend shares their story with you…

 

Stick to the list. “I believe you.”

Stick to the list. “It’s not your fault.”

Stick to the list.  “You are not alone.”

Stick to the list. “I’m sorry this happened.”

 

 

Our friends need us!

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What We Can With These Hands

Grey Zachary September 15, 2017

Three weeks prior to the hurricane, my hubby, Everett, and I planned a day trip to Houston. We had no idea that Harvey would beat us there by one week. Once the news rolled in we considered delaying the trip, but we knew we could have a new purpose. There was work to be done.

We only had half a day to give. So, we wanted to make it count.

After prayer and a few phone calls we found ourselves connected with a church right in the middle of the crisis. I put my red boots on. Passed masks to my kids and got to work.

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The church we linked up with was amazing! They became a shelter in the storm even when they were still at risk of flooding. While the waters were still rising one member of the church paddled out in a canoe to rescue the neighbors and bring them to dry land. The sanctuary in that church became what it was meant to be. It was a refuge. And it became a hub/home base for those who’s homes were destroyed and those who wanted help.

There were many hands on deck the day we arrived. People from the community were showing up. Tools and supplies were being donated. One man arrived with a truck full of shop-vacs just because he heard there was a need.

The homes in the neighborhood surrounding the church were 2 to 14 feet underwater before the flood receded. Not one house in that area was spared. The water did not stop at the door step of the rich and privileged. The devastation was indiscriminate. Everyone lost nearly everything.

The walls, furniture, cabinets (and contents) were all saturated. Just about every possession had to be dragged to the street. Even the drywall had to be pulled off the walls and the insulation removed. These homes were stripped down to the bare bones.

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The homeowners were devastated. As is typical in grief, everyone responded in their own way.

I spoke with one devastated woman at the edge of her yard, lined with just about everything she owned. She was stuck in a loop of anger and sadness. Her words were aggressive one second and she had tears rolling down her face the next.

Another man was simply in shock. He hardly had words and he couldn’t make the hard decisions of what to keep and what to move to the curb. He had been struggling alone for four days. If his things had remained in his house, mold would have been inevitable, but facts were just not computing for him. He was overwhelmed in the worst way. Fortunately, he finally welcomed the volunteers in.

After helping that gentle man for just a few hours, I saw him join us at the church for a meal. His fog seemed to be lifting…a little. As he talked with neighbors I even noticed him chuckle a time or two. When we returned to his home after lunch he was more decisive and in forward motion. Our team was no longer leading him. We were assisting.

My family and I could not stay another day because we had commitments back home. We got on the road before the sun rose the following morning. As I drove I was personally flooded… with emotion (yeah, yeah, I see the pun).

There was still so much to do. One day was not enough. The need was immeasurable and I wanted to do so much more!

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But all we can ever do is what we can with what we have. We know our offering was no more than a widow’s mite in comparison to the great need, but we hope it was a blessing to those we met. It was certainly a blessing to us to see the community coming together and working in tandem with a tiny local church being a shelter through the storm.

“Go quickly to the city’s streets, the busy ones and the side streets, and bring the poor, crippled, blind, and lame…Go to the highways and back alleys and urge people to come in so that my house will be filled.”

Luke 14:21 & 23

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Cup of Sunshine

Grey Zachary August 25, 2017

As some of you know, my dear husband, our two youngest kiddos, and I recently moved into an RV…full-time.

 

Yep, that’s right!

 

We now live in a home with a foundation of big rig tires and a living room fully equipped with a steering wheel.

 

This decision was super-fast and a little impulsive just like almost all our decisions. We think everything is a good idea! We see an adventure and we leap. This is us. My hubby lobbed the idea and in less than a month we were proud (and a little stunned) owners of a motorhome.

 

Sooooo many times after taking this leap I thought, “What have we done?!” So, I threw myself into research. I watched ALL the YouTube channels. I read blog after blog, and I listened to podcasts incessantly. RV life is an entirely different world and I was determined to be prepared!

 

All the preparation was fun, but some was purely entertainment. My sister recommended I watch the Robin Williams movie, RV. I thought I had seen every Williams movie, but somehow this one was never on my radar. So, I added it to the queue for family movie night.

 

My kids LOVED it! My hubby began to have reservations about our new lifestyle. And I gleaned a friendship message!

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The Munro’s embarked on their very first RV vacation. Along their journey, they repeatedly and regretfully crossed paths with an unusually happy family, The Gornicke’s. After being ditched a few times, The Gornicke’s eventually realized The Munro’s were just not that into them. Jeff Daniel’s character, Travis, the father in the Gornicke family, turns to his wife and says, “We ain’t everybody’s cup of sunshine.”

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I love his attitude! He is so very right! We can’t be everyone’s favorite!

 

I was way too old when I finally learned that lesson. I am an idealist. Most of my life I believed I could be everyone’s best friend and I tried so hard! When others did not agree, I was crushed. I questioned myself and wondered why. With age, I’ve learned that Travis Gornicke was right! We may be a perfect ray of sunshine, but others might enjoy a different type of weather…and that is okay!

 

But that is not the greatest lesson gleaned from the movie. The Gornicke’s continued to show kindness and generosity even after they had been rejected. In the end, The Monro’s survived their trip because of The Gornicke’s.

 

The Gornicke’s didn’t let The Monro’s change them. They remained kind, generous, fun-loving, and sunshiny people. They didn’t have to be accepted to be friendly.

 

Rejection doesn’t have to change who we are.

 

Rejection only alters our expectations of the one doing the rejecting. (Even then, we ought to hold on loosely to our perceptions of people.) As the Gornicke’s experienced, sometimes the ones resistant to friendship come around.

 

Other times, we may need to move on. However, I believe we often bail too quickly.  So, how do we hang in there when we aren’t appreciated? How do we keep showing up with our generosity and kindness when we’ve been ditched, ignored, shamed, and labeled?

 

Here are three quick thoughts on that!

 

  • Dig Deep and Remember… We may not always have been the sunshiny selves we are today. We may have cast the first stone or pointed our finger before. So, be patient with the haters. We’ve been haters too.
  • It’s Not About You… You’ve heard it before. It’s worth saying again. Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Sometimes their resistance to you has nothing to do with you. It may have more to do with their own internal war.
  • Believe The Best… Maybe you weren’t ditched. Perhaps there is more to the story. Maybe your interpretation of things was negative and you are giving up too soon. Give your friends the benefit of the doubt! We all have a lot going on. We get distracted. We send mixed messages.

 

Now, don’t get me wrong. Sometimes in friendship you have to know when to let go. Just don’t bail too soon. They desperately need your cup of sunshine and do not even know it yet.

 

What about you? I love to hear your stories! Have you ever hung in there when you thought a friendship was going nowhere? What happened? How did it play out? Have you remained friends?

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Friendship & True Adulthood

Grey Zachary August 18, 2017

I am so excited to welcome the lovely Amanda Koonlaba to Friendtastic Fridays! She has some reflections on friendship in adulthood that I know we can all relate to. Here are her thoughts:

 

True Adulthood: That psychological point reached when you stop seeing the world through rose-colored glasses and begin seeing it as a place that needs work. 

 

As I’ve come into true adulthood, I’ve started having a different perspective of friendship. When I was a small child, a friend was whoever was around. My parents pretty much chose those friends. My cousins were my friends. My neighbors were my friends. Kids at church were my friends.

 

In my teens, it was whoever was involved in the same activities as me. So, it was pretty much the same as childhood. My parents had a lot more control over that than I realized at the time. They chose to allow me to participate in activities or chose to prohibit my participation in activities. They were the ones paying for things like cheerleading and show choir. The other kids who participated were my friends. We were always around each other.

 

In my twenties, I had to find my own friends. I was friends with people who knew my boyfriend at the time. I was friends with people who took the same classes as me in college. I was friends with the neighbors in the apartment complex where I lived.

 

When I reached my thirties, I reached true adulthood. I am well-aware that others probably reach this point much earlier than I did. It doesn’t really matter when that point is reached, we all get there.

 

I realized how messy everything is. I realized laws are not just laws, history is not just history, religion is not just religion. I realized everything is what it is because human beings are interacting with each other, hurling through time just bumping into the existence of one another like we’re trapped in a giant, mysterious pinball machine.

 

This is why I say true adulthood is realizing the world is a place that needs work. Friendship is not as much about who is around you as it was when you were younger. It becomes something you work at. Your friends are the people you allow to be your friends. You choose them carefully. Some of those true friendships are still the people who you played with when you were a kid. Some are the teenagers you cheered and danced with. Some are the people who took classes with you in college. Some are still your cousins.

 

It is true for me. I have some “ride or dies” from those times in my life that are still my close friends. It is harder now, though. We don’t see each other as often. Sometimes we just text or share a photo on Facebook. Sometimes we get together to sit at the funeral for one of our parents.

 

Life is messy. It can be so hard and so scary. However, I’ve really learned in my true adulthood that even though friendships change over time, those friendships which are chosen and nurtured are the ones that make the hard and scary times manageable. I’ve also realized that it is okay for friendships to change. Fluidity in our friendships is just a natural part of that pinball ride.

 

What matters is the work we do. We work at our friendships, our relationships with human beings. This is what makes the wild pinball ride seem somewhat controlled and doable. So, even though our world is no longer rose-colored, we do make our world a better place as a result.

 

I wonder how the concept of friendship has changed for others throughout their lifetime. I’d love to hear and chat with you about that. Connect with me and check out my blog, Party in the Art Room.

Amanda Greenwood

Amanda Koonlaba, Ed. S., NBCT is the mother of two girls, Willa and Ruby, and a wife to Cherdchai Koonlaba, originally from Thailand. She is an avid education advocate and arts-lover. Amanda is on a mission to ensure every student in America has access to a high-quality arts-based education. Her arts education blog is Party in the Art Room.

Amanda makes the great point that as we grow up our friendship perspective changes. Friendship calls for intension. Even our nearest and dearest ones aren’t as accessible as they once were. Here are a few ways to let our friends know we value them:

  1. Call/text sweet things for no reason at all. Let your friends know that you are proud of who they are and that you are happy to have them in your life.
  2. Take note. When your friend says something new about her, write it down and follow up. It may be as huge as a job interview or as small as changing the preferred laundry detergent. If she mentioned it, it matters! Ask how it’s going. You’ll rack up in major friendship points with follow-up!
  3. Listen up. When your bestie is bummed or burdened let her words flow. Be the best possible listener. Say only things like “That sounds hard” “Tell me more” or “How do you feel about that?” Keep your ears open and lips slow. Sometimes our friends don’t need fixing. Sometimes they just need a safe space to say their thoughts out loud.
  4. Lighten up. Have you turned on the news lately? This world can be intense! Let’s be the friend that lightens the load, cracks the joke, sends the gif, overuses emojis, and leaves voicemails of only quotes from the our favorite shows. It’s a fun job and somebody’s gets to do it. Let it be us!

I love to hear from you! I know you have great ideas! How do you show your friends you care?

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